


It's okay to need help

by K17L53



Series: Clexaweek 2020 [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Memories, Coffee Shops, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, homophobic parents, lexa has one leg, military veteran lexa, prosthetic leg, reunited friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23023075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K17L53/pseuds/K17L53
Summary: Clarke and Lexa used to be friends in high school. They lost touch after graduation and went their separate ways. Almost a decade later, too many states away, they bump into each other at a coffee shop. They start spending more time with each other, getting to know each other again. Then Lexa has a bad day, making Clarke realize for the first time just how bad things are for her, the seriousness of it all, what she's been through. And god, all Clarke wants is to take away all the pain.OrThe army-vet Lexa AU
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, past Costia/Lexa
Series: Clexaweek 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650427
Comments: 20
Kudos: 330
Collections: Clexaweek2020





	It's okay to need help

**Author's Note:**

> actually i had this in the works for a while. i got the idea out of nowhere and thought it would be a multichapter. but i seemed to have only one scene in mind that i wanted to write (after the scene where they see each other again and catch up). so i thought i'd finish this scene for clexaweek and post it. its angst. its just angst okay? that's it. but its also hurt comfort. and those two are my favorite genres to read and write.

It was just another day, Lexa thought as she walked into her regular coffee shop. She scanned the room, checking for her usual seat only to realize it was taken by a couple Lexa hasn’t seen in here before. She came here often, maybe too often, but it was close to her apartment, and she liked the walk down here. Okay, yes, she’s not supposed to walk too much but this was only a block away and Lexa felt like that was fine. She usually ended up spending at least a couple of hours here, it was better than being alone in her apartment. And given her physical limitations, Lexa really didn’t have anything better to do most days. It was relatively quiet around this time, it was a little past the lunch rush and on a weekday, most people were at work. She had a book, she had her laptop, and she had all the coffee she could ask for.

Lexa made her way to a different table by the café’s window before setting her bag down next to her. By the time she looked up, there was a server standing next to the table. She greeted Lexa with a warm smile, they all knew her at this point, and Lexa knew them, by name. And they tended to come and take Lexa’s order rather than have her walk up to the till. Halloween was around the corner so there were a few more exciting drinks on the menu and Lexa only asked the server to surprise her, “Just not pumpkin spice,”.

Watching as Harper walked away to behind the till, a blonde caught her eyes. Lexa couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was something familiar about her, she looked like someone she knew. But then again, there wasn’t really anyone in San Francisco that Lexa knew from her past. She had only moved here about two years ago, things were still pretty new and given the fact that Lexa kept to herself most of the time, she didn’t do much networking. But there was something about this stranger standing at the till, the way she moved, the curve of her body, the hair, the side of her face that Lexa could see.

Clarke stood at the till, waiting for the server to come and take her order. She greeted the girl with a smile, she looked quite young, probably still in high school. Placing her order, Clarke stepped to the side, waiting for her drink and carrot cake. She looked around the café, it was a cute place, quiet and cozy, nice and warm from the city outside. There weren’t too many people here at the moment, made sense given the time, no more than a handful of tables taken. But then her eyes caught the woman sitting on her own at the table by the window. She watched her for a moment, the brunette completely engrossed in whatever book she was reading; there was something very familiar about her, it felt like Clarke knew her from somewhere.

Then she looked up from her book, and Clarke almost gasped as she caught sight of her face. _Lexa_ , her eyes widened, unsure when her jaw dropped. Okay, she could be wrong given how long it has been since she has seen the other girl but no, Clarke would recognize those eyes anywhere. She walked away from the counter, forgetting about her order for a moment, and towards the brunette. She hasn’t seen Lexa in…around seven years.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked as she approached the table and the other girl looked up, initially looking confused at the mention of her name before the recognition hit her. “Hi, it’s Clarke.”

Her face mirrored Clarke’s as she nodded, “I know.” She said as she stood up, unable to help the smile. “Oh my god, Clarke.” It wasn’t long before they were hugging, Clarke’s arms going around Lexa’s neck and her’s around the other girl’s waist.

The hug lasted a little too long, breathing each other in, trying to make up for the years they hadn’t seen each other. “Hi,” Clarke said again as they finally pulled away. She smiled up at her, the two of them still holding onto each other’s arms. “Oh god it’s been so long.”

“It has.” Lexa nodded, stepping back this time, motioning to the chair across from her. “Sit down.”

Clarke did, having completely forgotten about her food when the server walked over with it. “Oh, I’m so sorry I completely forgot.” She apologized to the girl with the tray.

“It’s no problem,” She gave her a smile, setting down the coffee and the cake before turning to Lexa and setting another drink in front of her.

“Thanks Harper.” Lexa muttered with a smile before the girl walked away and she turned her attention back to her friend. “You were the last person I was expecting to see.”

“I know.” Clarke nodded, still smiling, “I wasn’t expecting to see you either.”

It kind of went off from there, the two of them talking like it was the good old days, when they were in high school and friends. They talked about everything and nothing, where they lived and what book Lexa was reading, which turned into a conversation about the book Clarke was currently reading. And that moved on to movies and TV shows and Clarke saying how she spent way too long on Netflix. They were pretty close, they hung out a lot and possibly spent every single break with each other. But they didn’t much of each other outside of school, they were those friends who were close in school but outside of it almost didn’t know each other. But that didn’t take away from the fact that they really liked each other and cared about each other. They lost touch after graduation, Clarke went off to Berkeley and Lexa to UPenn, but that seemed to be it for the two of them.

“Okay so tell me,” Clarke started as she sat back in her seat and looked at Lexa. “What have you been up to, what are you doing San Francisco?” She asked her, “Didn’t you go to Pennsylvania?”

Lexa nodded, “I did.”

“So how’d you end up here?” Clarke asked.

“You first because mine’s going to take a while.” Lexa answered. “Weren’t you pre-med in Berkley?”

Clarke nodded. “Got bored, realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do.” She told Lexa. “I wanted to do something more along the creative lines.”

“You were always one hell of an artist.”

Clarke smiled. “I work at an animation studio now as, well, an animator.” She told Lexa. “I sent out my portfolio to pretty much everywhere I could and I got called back from here for an apprenticeship with the studio.” She explained. “So, I dropped out of college, packed up and moved here. I finished my apprenticeship, fell in love with the city, landed a permanent job with the studio. So, I stayed.”

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her, it was great that she was doing something she loved. Clarke didn’t look too excited about going away to do pre-med but that was what her mom had wanted her to do. “Well, now I’m glad you did, or we wouldn’t have run into each other.”

“Okay your turn.” Clarke told her. “How’d you end up here?”

Lexa took a deep breath, “How long do you have because mine’s going to take a little while.”

Clarke sat back and crossed her leg, “For you, I have all the time in the world.”

Lexa nodded, her eyes catching Harper’s for a moment before motioning for two more coffees. “It might put you to sleep, so we can do with more coffee.”

It was quite empty now, so Harper was at their table only a moment later with two mugs of filter coffee and a small pot of milk. Lexa was thankful for that, for the fact that they didn’t mind bringing her order over to the table. The two women muttered a small thank you to her and Harper walked away.

“A lot has happened since I last saw you.” Lexa finally started, “So I went to UPenn for poli science, you already know that.” Clarke nodded. “Around the end of my first year, I met someone.” She smiled at the memory, “And we kinda sorta fell in love.” Clarke awwed out loud at that. “But,” Lexa looked down at the table, taking a moment to pour milk into her coffee, “That someone was a girl.”

“Oh my god you’re gay?” Clarke exclaimed, sounding about as excited as a little kid on Christmas morning. “Sorry, sorry,” She lowered her voice, noticing how Lexa was shaking her head, despite smiling at her. “I used to have the biggest crush on you in high school, I didn’t know you were into girls.”

“You did?” Lexa asked her, clearly surprised. “That’s crazy, I had a crush on you too.”

Clarke laughed at that, pouring sugar and milk into her coffee, waiting for Lexa to continue. “Wait, gay or bi I don’t wanna get it wrong?”

“Gay, very very gay.” She answered and Clarke nodded, waiting for her to continue with the story. “Okay so my parents didn’t know I was gay either.” Lexa finally continued. “And into my second year, I came out to them.” She looked away from Clarke this time, “They didn’t take it too well. Or well at all.”

“Oh,” Clarke’s voice was small, Lexa looked upset at the mention of this.

“They may have cut me off and disowned me.”

“Oh Lexa, I’m so sorry.”

She gave Clarke a forced smile, “It was years ago, I’m over that bit.” Lexa told her. “Don’t get sad okay?” She told Clarke, “I really am over it, it’s been forever, and I don’t want you to be sad.” She didn’t sound upset now, that moment passed.

“No promises, I’m not made of stone like you.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “But yes, keep going.”

“Okay well, I still needed to pay for college and my apartment and everything else.” Lexa continued. “Part-time jobs weren’t cutting it, it wasn’t enough to even cover half my expenses. And I was knee deep in student loans, I couldn’t really get anymore money.” She took a deep breath, “So I joined the army.” She gave her a half smile, “I knew I didn’t agree with everything they did and everything they stood for, but I didn’t know exactly what I was getting myself into. And it really was the only thing I could do to fund college.” Lexa shrugged. “I regretted it within a year of it, but at the same time I couldn’t leave because a. I needed the money, and b. my contract wouldn’t let me just leave.”

“What did you do?” Clarke asked her, eyes full of concern, watching as Lexa took a sip of her coffee.

“I stayed, I didn’t have a choice.” Lexa answered. “And I mean, the money was decent, I was paying for college, the job came with a few benefits that helped me financially.” Clarke gave her a small smile, “Eventually me and my girlfriend moved in together, things were…getting better you know?”

“That’s cute.”

“Yeah it was.” Lexa smiled at the thought of her, “She was pretty great.”

“Was?”

“Yeah…” Lexa dragged it out, the last part was the hardest one to tell people. If the rest of her little sob story didn’t get them, this part always did – actually, it had already gotten to Clarke, she looked upset. “You’re getting upset Clarke.” Lexa stated.

“I told you, no promises.” Clarke only rolled her eyes, “Keep going, come on.” She told her impatiently.

“So, finished college, graduated.” Lexa continued before pausing, “A month later I got deployed, I was going to be gone for six months and I absolutely hated the idea of leaving Costia and being apart from her for so long.”

“Is that why you guys broke up?” Clarke asked carefully, picking up from the context that Costia was the girlfriend.

Lexa shook her head, “That would’ve actually been alright.” She told Clarke, staring at the coffee and not looking at Clarke. “I came back three months later.” Her eyes were still down, “I got blown up, stepped on a landmine.” Her voice was measure and careful, almost afraid to look up at the girl sitting opposite her. “I got lucky, that’s what they told me anyways because technically I should’ve been dead.” She paused for a moment, taking another sip of her coffee, looking at Clarke over the rim of her mug. “But I didn’t, I got off easy, I only last my leg.”

“Wait, what?” Clarke exclaimed. “You what?”

She actually smiled this time, surprised by Clarke’s reaction. “You know how Harper brings me my coffee?” Clarke nodded, “Yeah, this is why.” She pointed at her right leg, waited until Clarke looked at it before pulling up the leg of her jeans to expose the metal limb. “I’m part cyborg now.” Lexa joked. “Actually no, I wish I was part cyborg, this leg doesn’t do anything on its own.”

“My friend actually makes those.” Clarke commented.

“I would love to get in touch with her.” Lexa said lightly before getting back to her little story. “So yeah, I got back and things weren’t really easy.” Okay, now she was getting upset herself. “Tip, don’t step on a landmine, it’s not pretty.” She tried to lighten the mood. “I was in the hospital for way too long and at first recovery seemed practically impossible,” Lexa bit her lower lip, shaking her head at Clarke who was tearing up. “Clarke don’t.”

“I’m not made of stone shut up Lexa.”

That made her smile. “It was too much for Costia.” Lexa continued. “She couldn’t handle it, handle me being like that.” Lexa shrugged. “So she left.”

“What?!” Clarke exclaimed. “That’s mean.”

“I told her she didn’t have to stay through it and well, she didn’t.” Lexa explained. “Anyways fast forward about a year, I was doing better and I really just wanted to leave Penn.” She told her. “The place kinda made me feel worse and I ended up here.” Lexa paused. “I kinda threw a dart at the map to decide where I wanted to move and well, here I was.”

“Brought you to me.” Clarke finally spoke, her voice soft and quiet, doing her best to keep it from cracking. Yes, she was sad, if anything Lexa’s little story kept getting sadder.

Lexa nodded at her. “It did.” She gave her a smile, a real one, “Guess something good came out of all of it, right?”

Clarke gave her a frown, very clearly upset by it all. “Yeah but I’d rather none of that happened that brought you here.”

* * *

So that little coffee date started it all. It turned into more coffee dates, spending more time each other, eventually into spending lunch breaks together. Well, Clarke’s lunch breaks, Lexa worked from home, her lunch break was whenever she wanted it to. She was a freelance writer, worked on her own time, on her own turf, she didn’t really need to work after…everything, but it kept her busy. Lunch time together was starting to become a regular thing for them, 4 times out of 5 they spent it together. Soon that turned into dinner together, Lexa cooking for Clarke because Clarke’s culinary repertoire consisted of instant ramen, instant mac and cheese, and frozen meals. Clarke took her out a couple of times but on weeknights, they both wanted a quiet night in. And somehow, dinners together ended up being spending nights together – because obviously it was too late to go home after dinner and movie and ice cream nothing else.

“Hey,” Clarke said into the phone as Lexa answered, it was still quite early, around 9am.

“Hey, what’s up?” Lexa wasn’t expecting to hear from her, not yet anyways. First off, Clarke slept in till way too late on weekends, and secondly they were going to meet up for lunch later.

“I kinda got called into work.” Clarke replied, her voice small and apologetic. “I won’t be able to make it to lunch today Lexa.”

“But it’s Saturday.” Lexa argued, frowning at the thought of not being able to see her…friend? Yeah, yeah friend, they were friends. Clarke was her friend. That little crush from high school definitely wasn’t coming back, nope.

“I know.” Clarke replied, sounding equally upset. “Some idiot deleted a file we need on Monday for a meeting, so we all got called in to work nonstop until we can make up for it.”

“They can’t recover the deleted file?”

“Nope.” Clarke shook her head at herself, “I work with a bunch of idiots, I hope this ass loses his job.”

Lexa couldn’t help but laugh a little at that, “That’s a little dramatic.”

“Well he’s the reason I had to cancel on our little lunch date so…” It was a little too late by the time Clarke realized she said it was a date. It wasn’t, they were just two friends meeting up for lunch. Nothing more. Nope. “And besides, it for a new TV show, and if we don’t have anything to show for it on Monday, it’s basically over.” She added quickly, putting the focus back into work. Clarke paused for a moment before blurting out, “Oh, let me make up for lunch.”

“What?” Lexa asked her, a little confused.

“Let’s do dinner instead.” Clarke offered. “I’ll get takeout after work and come by your place. You can pick the movie and I’m all your’s for the rest of the night.” Yeah…that’s something friends say to each other…right?

The rest of the day went by slowly, Clarke having to recreate a week’s worth of work. It was boring, she loved her work but not when she had to work on her weekend off to make up for someone being careless. But thankfully it wasn’t only her who felt this way, but the two other animators who were in felt exactly the same way. It was the IT department that messed up, and there were a lot of snide comments about how those guys were meant to help things work more smoothly, not the opposite. Clarke put up with the mindless work, she had animated this character enough time to be able to do it with her eyes closed. They had been working on this project for a while now, working with the writers and the concept artists so they would have one little scene ready to pitch to potential producers.

It was around 8pm when she walked up to Lexa’s apartment, a plastic bag full of way too many Chinese takeout boxes. Clarke stood at the door, ringing the bell a couple of times and waiting. A minute passed before she remembered the doorbell didn’t work, it hasn’t been for a few days now and Lexa hadn’t gotten around to getting it fixed yet. So she knocked instead, wondering why her knuckles hurt so much just from hitting the door. She waited a moment, then a minute, and then another. Clarke narrowed her eyes, Lexa was home, on the couch in the living room if she knew her so it shouldn’t take this long to open the door.

Just as she was about to knock again, the door swung open. Clarke wasn’t quite expecting what she saw on the other side. Lexa looked almost confused to see her, her hair was a mess, and her eyes looked swollen and red – almost like she had been crying. Clarke took in what she was wearing, and it wasn’t like her to still be in her pajamas from the night before; an old army t-shirt, and a pair of men’s boxers that went down to her mid thig – _Oh_ , Clarke stopped mid-thought, taken aback a little by the fact that Lexa didn’t have her prosthetic leg on. She was leaning on crutches, how did Clarke _just_ notice it?

“Oh god,” Lexa finally spoke, rubbing her face, “I completely forgot you were coming, I’m sorry.” Her voice was scratchy, the words coming out much lower than her usual voice. “Come on in,” She stepped aside, holding the door open for Clarke.

Clarke gave her a concerned look, walking into the apartment nonetheless. She didn’t want to stare, but she hadn’t really seen Lexa without her prosthetic leg and Clarke had to do her best to walk away and into the apartment while Lexa closed and locked the front door. She set the bag of food down on the coffee table, “Lexa are you okay?” Clarke couldn’t help but ask, watching as her friend made her to her.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” Lexa nodded at her. “Sit down, I’m gonna get my leg.” She said to Clarke, about to walk off to her room. She was on her own all day, actually she was in bed all day. It was just…not great today, it had been fine around an hour or so after she had talked to Clarke. But then a tire burst outside her apartment, and that sounded an awful lot like a gunshot. It triggered her, trigger her PTSD, sent her into a panicked state where it felt like she was back there. For a moment she couldn’t breathe, and after that she couldn’t stop crying. Once she managed to calm herself down, Lexa just stayed in bed, she was upset and everything felt like too much, and every time she closed her eyes, all she saw was herself back in a warzone.

“Don’t worry about it,” Clarke waved it off, “Come sit down.” She gave her a comforting smile, her eyes stayed glued to her face, not moving lower. Up until this point, Clarke really hadn’t realized the seriousness of Lexa’s injury. From the outside, every time Clarke saw Lexa, it looked _normal_. _No, not that this isn’t normal, that’s not what I mean_. Clarke shook her head at herself, a little disappointed at how she was thinking right now. It wasn’t that Lexa’s leg – or lack thereof – was off putting, it was more of the fact that it was upsetting. And Clarke really hadn’t understood how bad it was until this moment right now. “What’s wrong?” She tried asking her once Lexa sat down next to her.

Lexa kept her distance, she knew the fact that she only had one leg could be a little off putting and she didn’t want to make Clarke uncomfortable. Every time Clarke had seen her up until now, she had her leg on. The most Clarke had seen of her lack of a leg was a few nights ago at her place when she was wearing shorts and the prosthetic limb was very clearly visible. But it was different now, there was just…nothing there, two thirds down her thigh, there was nothing. “Nothing, I’m fine.”

Clarke watched her for a moment, Lexa wasn’t meeting her eye, she wasn’t speaking much. She just looked tired and exhausted, it looked like Lexa pulled herself out of bed when Clarke showed up. She didn’t know what to say really, Lexa didn’t look like she was in a good place right now, and Clarke just…she just wanted to make it better. It wasn’t as easy as wanting it, and Clarke had no idea what Lexa was going through to even say anything that might help. “Can I give you a hug?” She asked instead, watching Lexa and waiting for a response before touching her.

Lexa turned her head, sad eyes looking at Clarke almost like she was asking for something. She didn’t have it in her to speak again, she was crying even five minutes before Clarke showed up. So instead she nodded at Clarke, Clarke giving her a soft smile before scooting closer to her and wrapping her arms around Lexa. Lexa gave in, melted into Clarke’s embrace, let herself soak in the comfort and warmth of her friend’s body. She buried her nose into Clarke’s neck, breathing her in, it calmed her down, just something about Clarke calmed her, made her feel okay even if it was for moment, took her away from reality.

Clarke couldn’t help but press a small kiss to the side of her head, just barely there, a part of her hoping Lexa didn’t notice it before pulling away. Lexa’s eyes were down, and it took Clarke a moment to see the tear tracks on her cheeks. “Hey,” She said softly, hands coming up to cup her voice. She was worried, almost scared about Lexa. The look in her eyes showed nothing but pain and Clarke could feel something squeezing around her heart at just the sight of it. “Hey, it’s okay.” She tried. “Lexa it’s okay, don’t cry.”

But her lips trembled, the tears stinging her eyes again before they started to fall and Lexa let out a small cry as Clarke pulled her into her arms again. She couldn’t keep it in herself this time, the moment her body pressed against Clarke’s, the dam broke. Lexa couldn’t stop the cries, the sobs from leaving her body, making her shudder against her friend. Clarke only held her, muttered sweet nothings into her ear, most of which Lexa couldn’t even hear through her cries. Everything was too much, days like this, she couldn’t take it, she didn’t know how to handle it, how to keep herself sane. It hurt, it just hurt, every part of her hurt and all it made Lexa want to do was yell and scream and do something, anything to lessen the pain. So she just cried, she let herself go tonight, her mouth pressed against Clarke’s shoulder, muffling her sobs and screams.

By the time Lexa finally calmed down, she was drained out of every last ounce of energy in her body. She stayed against Clarke for a moment longer before finally pushing herself off, too embarrassed to meet her eyes. “Sorry.” She muttered quietly, looking away from her.

“It’s okay.” Clarke replied almost instantly. “You don’t have to apologize okay?” Lexa finally looked up at her questioningly, “I’m here, okay?” Clarke told her, “I’m here for you, you don’t have to apologize for having a bad day.”

“Bad days are quite the norm with me.” Lexa spoke, her voice broken and scratchy.

“And I’ll be here for it all.” Clarke responded, hoping she wasn’t overstepping, but it really did look like Lexa could use the company on days like this. “If you want me to be,” She added with a smile, “You’re not alone.”

It was quiet after that, Clarke getting up to get some plates and a fork from the kitchen – Lexa was pretty useless with a pair of chopsticks. She didn’t really want to eat, saying she wasn’t hungry, not in the mood for food. But from the look of things, it didn’t seem like Lexa had much of a meal. So Clarke did her best, pushed the sweet and sour shrimp and egg friend rice a little too close to her, knowing they were her weakness. It worked, kind of, Lexa ended up eating, not as much as she should’ve but it was still more than nothing.

The credits were rolling to their second movie when Clarke looked over to her friend; Lexa was fast asleep, her head leaning in an awkward position that would most definitely be sore unless she went to bed. Clarke touched her arm, her movement gentle, not wanting to startle Lexa. She stirred just slightly, not quite waking up. “Hey,” Clarke tried, her eyes fluttering open this time. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.” She told her quietly, her voice gently.

Lexa blinked a couple of times, readjusting her eyes to the light coming from the TV screen. “I’m just gonna stay here.” She responded, voice heavy with sleep. “Too tired.”

“At least lie down.” Clarke told her and Lexa did. It was understandable that she couldn’t be bothered to move right now. So, Clarke walked got up, made her way to Lexa’s bedroom; the least she could do was make sure Lexa was comfortable. Stepping into the room, the first thing Clarke noticed was the mess, it looked like a tornado had torn through here. She stood there for a moment, looking around before her shoulders slumped, Lexa did this. Clarke couldn’t imagine the pain she was going through, it actually kind of made sense that she totally trashed her room. The lamp from her nightstand was on the floor, most of the contents of her dresser on the floor either broken, or spilling, or just lying on the floor… So, Clarke took a moment to pick some things up, tidy up a little bit, enough so it didn’t look a rage tornado made its way through Lexa’s room.

Clearing up, Clarke found Lexa’s prosthetic buried under a pile of blankets and pillows and she couldn’t help but wonder whether it was an accident or because Lexa wanted it out of sight. Nevertheless, she picked it up, placed it away carefully before grabbing a pillow and a blanket to take back to brunette.

“Hey,” Clarke muttered quietly, replacing the couch cushion under Lexa’s head with the pillow instead and letting her lay back down. She was half asleep and Clarke didn’t expect much a response, so she turned the TV off, draped the blanket over her, making sure to cover her exposed arms – it was chilly tonight – before stepping away to leave.

But she felt something grab her wrist and turned around. “Thank you.” Lexa told her, eyes sleepy, voice hoarse. “For everything tonight.” Clarke gave her a soft smile, about to speak when Lexa tugged at her arm.

Clarke gave in, went closer to her before kneeling down by the couch. “You alright?” She asked Lexa, her hand coming up to brush away the stray strand of hair from her face. Lexa nodded at her, leaning her face into Clarke’s hand which didn’t seem to want to move away. Clarke watched her, watched the look in her eyes, the way she was looking at Clarke, the way Lexa’s face felt in her hand. God all she wanted to take her pain away right now, she looked upset, and fragile, and broken, and in pain and Clarke just wanted to make it better.

Clarke wasn’t sure what had come over her, but she was lost in Lexa’s eyes, when she leaned in closer. Her lips met Lexa’s, gentle and careful, almost like she might break Lexa if she used too much force. Lexa kissed back, desperate and pleading, trembling against Clarke’s as her eyes closed. She wanted more, wanted more of Clarke, wanted to feel more of what this girl was making her feel – safe and loved and protected, a haven from the outside world.

“I love you.” It slipped out before she could stop herself, and Lexa was afraid she had just ruined everything.

Clarke opened her eyes, looking into Lexa’s, they looked worried, unsure. “I love you too.” Her voice was wavering, about to crack. The way Lexa spoke, it was so soft and so gentle and so sincere. So she kissed her again, a lot less gentle this time, trying to get her feeling across. “I love you,” She whispered into the kiss, trying to reassure Lexa, trying to make her belief.

Finally pulling away, Clarke looked at her, watching as Lexa leaned back into the pillow, looking lighter now. She moved to get up, stepping up on her feet before leaning down and pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Call me if you need anything, okay?” Clarke asked her and Lexa only nodded. She made her way to the coat rack, pulling her one on, and stepping into her shoes. About to unlock the door, Lexa’s voice stopped her.

“Don’t go.”

Clarke turned around, giving Lexa a smile before taking her jacket and shoes off before walking back to the couch. “I’m not going anywhere.” Lexa smiled at her, mouthing a _thank you_ , too tired to actually speak. “Come on, we’re going to bed.”

Lexa didn’t want to move, she didn’t have the strength right now to get up on her feet or put in the effort to use her crutches. And she didn’t want to ask Clarke for help, she was embarrassed enough as it was, and Clarke had already seen her without her leg, she didn’t need to help her walk back to the bedroom.

“You know I can give you a hand right?” Clarke asked as Lexa sat up and grabbed her crutches. “No, no hey.” She heard the sniffle the tremble in Lexa’s lips again as she got herself off the couch. “Don’t cry, please.”

Her hand slipped, the crutches falling out and causing Lexa to fall back on the couch. Her head fell in her hands, she was starting to feel a little better, with Clarke here but god, she couldn’t even walk back to her bed. “I can’t.” Lexa choked out, feeling the couch dip next to her as Clarke sat down. “I’m sorry, I-” She was crying again.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Clarke tried, hand going on her back. “Hey,” She leaned against her, “I’m here.” Lexa didn’t say anything. “It’s okay to need help.”

“You’ve done enough tonight.” Lexa replied, her voice wavering and she did her best to keep it from cracking. “I’m really sorry about all of this.” She ran a hand through her hair, finally looking up. “You can leave, you don’t have to stay, I’ll be fine.”

“I want to stay.” Clarke argued, “I just told you I love you, what makes you think I want to leave?”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay.” Lexa sighed, she wanted her to though. She needed her tonight, she wanted to be held and kissed and made to feel safe. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know.” Clarke nodded, “You’re strong and you’re amazing and I know you can take care of yourself.” She told her. “But it’s okay to need help every now and then.” She tried again. “Let me help,”

Lexa stayed silent, she wanted to say no, wanted to say she was fine – despite everything else that happened tonight. “Please.” She said instead, eyes tired and almost ashamed, “Help me get to bed.”

Clarke kissed her shoulder, standing up before holding out her hands for Lexa to take. She helped her up, surprising her when she swept her off her feet and picked her up. “What? I’m stronger than I look.” She explained at the confused look Lexa gave her. “Let’s go to bed.” Lexa’s arms went up around Clarke’s neck, head leaning against Clarke as she let her help, let her carry her to the bedroom.

“Thank you.” Lexa muttered as Clarke set her down, “Thank you so much.”

“Well, thank you for letting me help you.” Clarke told her instead, stepping away and to the other side of the bed. Getting into bed, Clarke moved close to Lexa, her arms going around her and holding her close, “I’m here, okay?” And Lexa nodded, snuggling closer into her. Clarke could hear her crying again and god, she wanted to take the pain away. “Shh,” Clarke kissed the top of her head.

“I feel so alone.” Lexa finally spoke, not moving.

“You’re not.” Clarke told her, “Not anymore, okay?” She added. “I’m here. I’m not leaving.”

There was a moment of silence, a long moment, and Clarke thought Lexa had fallen asleep when she spoke. It was quiet, just barely audible, “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> sad. poor lexa. also jeez i've been writing long fics huh? anyways, leave me a comment, a kudo, let me know what you thought. and thanks for reading.


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